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67 Funniest Parks and Rec Quotes of All Time

One of the greatest comedy shows of the last decade is Parks and Recreation. It has a lot of memorable moments that can be attributed to its equally memorable cast and its hilarious lines. That is why this show is still often considered one of the standards for what a sitcom should be. And if you are a fan of the show, here are some of the funniest lines that are sure to give you laughs.

On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time.

Ron Swanson

Probably the most popular male character on the show is the stoic Ron Swanson, who is known for delivering funny lines without showing any signs of emotion whatsoever. The gloominess of the character’s personality, as well as his brand of dark comedy, can be seen in this line that can make any fan say classic Ron Swanson.

Everything hurts, and I’m dying.

Leslie Knope

Trust us when we say that we have all been through the same kind of feeling before. There are moments when every fiber in your being just simply hurts, and then you want to go away. But what made this scene funny were the circumstances of it all and the way Amy Poehler’s character Leslie Knope was able to deliver the line.

Just remember, every time you look up at the moon, I, too, will be looking at a moon. Not the same moon, obviously, that’s impossible.

Andy Dwyer

Chris Pratt has come a long way from his character as the adorable yet dumb worker in Parks and Recreation. But his silliness can be summed up in this classically hilarious line. He was obviously trying to sound intelligent and sweet while also saying something that is clearly dumb and stupid.

I’d wish you the best of luck, but I believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures.

Ron Swanson

A classic line that truly embodies Ron Swanson’s strong and stoic character, he explains the concept of luck in a way only he can. We may not agree with his interpretation of what luck is, but we can all agree that he has a funny way of explaining what luck is.

I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. The best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.

Ron Swanson

This is for all of those grumpy introverts out there. No introvert wants anyone in the workplace to disturb his peace while he is working. That means that the best way for you to be friends with a grumpy introvert workmate is by making sure that you avoid any kind of social interaction with him as much as you can. He would love you for that.

If I keep my body moving and my mind occupied at all times, I will avoid falling into a bottomless pit of despair.

Chris Traeger

Most of us actually feel this way on a regular basis. We usually try to keep ourselves preoccupied just so we can forget what proles we have in our lives. It sounds sad, but it can actually be funny when delivered well by one of the characters on a sitcom.

I wasn’t listening, but I strongly disagree with Ann.

April Ludgate

Let us all be like April in the sense that we do not listen to what our enemies have to say but still disagree with them and end up winning the argument or even the entire war.

There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that is lying about being milk.

Ron Swanson

Ah, yes. Lying is the one thing we really hate in the world. And lying becomes worse when it involves food. Skim milk should never try to pretend that it is actual milk the same way as tofu should never pretend that it is meat.

We have to remember what’s important in life: friends, waffles, and work. Or waffles, friends, work. But work has to come third.

Leslie Knope

There are things that are far more important in our lives than anything else. In this case, its friends, waffles, and work. Sometimes, you may want to put more importance on waffles instead so long as you do not prioritize work over food and your friends.

I’m allergic to sushi. Every time I eat more than 80 pieces, I throw up.

Andy Dwyer

Well, in all fairness, no one is supposed to eat more than 80 pieces of anything, even if its sushi. But if you can, go for it. No one’s stopping you so long as you do not end up throwing up as Andy does.

I’m fine. It’s just that life is pointless, and nothing matters, and I’m always tired.

Andy Dwyer

We are all this every single day. As tired and as sad as we are from time to time, we always find a way to make ourselves feel fine. That is why this line is both funny and memorable to a lot of people around the world and not just to fans of the show.

What I hear when I’m being yelled at is people caring really loudly at me.

Leslie Knope

The funny thing about Leslie is that she can be pretty much in denial most of the time, even when it involves people obviously hating on her. And that is what actually makes us love the character in the first place.

Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing. Zero stars.

Ron Swanson

This can be a little bit unfair because a lot of people actually love frozen yogurt more than ice cream for some odd reason. But hey. This is Ron Swanson we are talking about here, so we pretty much get the picture.

You know my code. Hoes before bros. Uteruses before duderuses. Ovaries before Brovaries.

Leslie Knope

Now we know the other version of the saying bros before hoes. Well, we can just imagine Leslie saying this in the silliest way she can. But let’s not hope this does not become a thing for women all around the world because it just does not seem to sound like it works.

I have no idea what I’m doing, but I know I’m doing it really, really well.

Andy Dwyer

A lot of us might say this when someone we know asks us what we do for a living. Well, as long as you think you are actually doing well and are getting paid for it, then there is no harm in not knowing what you are doing for a living.

There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger.

Ron Swanson

Classic Ron Swanson. Let’s just hope nobody with his personality decides to run for president. Or maybe someone else already did.

I’m big enough to admit that I am often inspired by myself.

Leslie Knope

Leslie knows what is up. If you do not have anyone or anything inspiring you, then why not use yourself as your own inspiration? After all, no one else in the world can motivate you to do anything useful other than yourself. And this is not even a joke or something you can laugh about. Go out there and be inspired by yourself.

Boss man, I wanna go home early. Ooh, hold on actually, hang on. Yeah, no, I wanna quit and never come here again.

Mona Lisa

How many of us want to barge into our boss’s office, and they tell him those exact words? Well, probably a lot of us. But the truth is that most of us are not going to do this even though we really want to. After all, we have bills to pay, and a new job just does not pop up out of anywhere right after quitting our old one.

I once forgot to brush my teeth for five weeks. I didn’t actually sell my car; I just forgot where I parked it. I don’t know who Al Gore is, and at this point, I’m too afraid to ask. When they say 2 percent milk, I don’t know what the other 98 percent is. When I was a baby, my head was so big scientists did experiments on me. I once threw beer at a swan, and then it attacked my niece, Rebecca.

Andy Dwyer

Believe us when we say this, but a lot of us are Andy Dwyer. Scratch that, Andy Dwyer is all of us all day and every single day.

I think you’ve got several options. They’re all terrible, …but you have them.

Chris Traeger

In any kind of situation, there are always multiple options you can take. However, that does not mean that one of the choices is a good one because there is a chance that all of them are bad. But, hey. You have to choose one option, at least. And if all of them are bad, make sure that you choose the lesser evil out of all of them.

One person’s annoying is another’s inspiring and heroic.

Leslie Knope

This really sums up what Leslie is all about. Some of us think she is really annoying (trust us when we say that some people really think she is annoying). But others actually look up to here as an inspiration. Well, different strokes for different people.

No matter what I do, literally nothing bad can happen to me. I’m like a white, male US Senator.

Leslie Knope

This may be a joke, but we all know that this is a sad truth in society today. When you are a white male US Senator, absolutely nothing bad can happen to you even if you are already practically doing something illegal. Oops. Maybe we said too much.

Normally, if given a choice between doing something and nothing, I’d choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I’d work all night if it meant nothing got done.

Ron Swanson

This is the duality of Ron Swanson. Does it make sense? Maybe. But is it funny? Absolutely. And that is why we love this character.

It’s always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain.

Ron Swanson

Why is this important? Well, if we think like Ron Swanson, maybe it’s because we would not want any of our co-workers to think that we are weak. Because if they do think we are weak, there is a good chance they will end up taking advantage of us in the workplace. You wouldn’t want that, would you?

Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses alone.

Ron Swanson

This is what all introverts want. No time for partying with people or even interacting with them no matter what the occasion is.

I guess I kind of hate most things, but I never really seem to hate you. April Ludgate

Maybe there is always an exception for people who hate the stuff. There might be one or two things they probably don’t hate. But what we are sure of is that they love hating things.

Can we have ONE conversation about feminism where MEN get to be in charge?

Kip Bunthart

Oh, Kip. That is not what feminism is all about. At least, that is what the women think. Men might have other ideas of what feminism is.

I stand behind my decision to avoid salad and other disgusting things.

Leslie Knope

Yep. Nobody should be forced into liking disgusting things. And that includes a salad. Sorry for all of the vegans out there, but that kind of is true.

When Andy and I used to go to the movies, he would always try to guess the ending of the movie. And he would always guess that the main character had been dead the whole time. Even when we saw Ratatouille.

Ann Perkins

That actually is a good idea we can all try to emulate. No. I’m not talking about guessing that the main character had been dead the whole time. That probably only works for M. Night Shyamalan movies or horror films. Ratatouille is neither of those.

I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food.

Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson probably represents 99% of the male population when he said this.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I read that one on a can of lemonade. I like to think it applies to life.

Andy Dwyer

Yes, Andy. It applies to life, and the saying does not talk about lemonades. Or maybe it does, and we just thought it applied to life. Well, who cares? As long as the lemonade is good, we are all down for that.

You are awesome, and everyone else sucks.

April Ludgate

If you are feeling down about yourself, just remember April’s words. You are someone who is someone. And if that is not enough, just think that everyone else around you is not as awesome as you are.

Put some alcohol in your mouth to block with words from coming out.

Ron Swanson

Sometimes, the only way we can have someone shut his mouth is to suggest a good old-fashioned drink.

There has never been a sadness that can’t be cured by breakfast foods.

Ron Swanson

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. And breakfast foods are probably the best kind of foods there are. There is nothing that good old bacon and eggs cannot fix. So if you are feeling down, why not down an entire plate of bacon and a few eggs with some toast?

Treat yo self.

Donna Meagle and Tom Haverford

Yes, that is right. If you are feeling sad or if you just want to celebrate a good day after putting yourself through some hard work in the office, then you should go ahead and treat yourself to whatever it is that makes you feel happy. Spoil yourself with a good meal or go out there and have a few drinks with your friends.

His name is Champion because he’s the dog world champion.

Andy Dwyer

There is no better way for you to start breeding or raising a champion than to call it as early as now. Call him champion or whatever other names that make him feel like a winner early on. You can start things off from there.

I totally hear you, but, erm, I also don’t like what you’re saying. So if you say no, I will start a fire in the bathroom.

Mona Lisa

It kinda feels hurtful if someone does not agree with you or if you do not necessarily like what you are hearing from someone you are talking about. But do you really have to start a fire just because of a disagreement? Probably no, but we all know that we want to.

It’s like I always say. When life gives you lemons, you sell some of your grandma’s jewelry, and go clubbing.

Jean Ralphio

If you find yourself in a tight spot or if life gives you lemons, you have to make lemonade, right? Well, you could also try to live the best way you can when life gives you lemons. But you do not really have to steal jewelry from anyone.

I ate a brownie once at a party in college. It was intense. It was kind of indescribable, actually. I felt like I was floating. It turns out there wasn’t any pot in the brownie; it was just an insanely good brownie.

Leslie Knope

We have all had this feeling in the past before. When something feels and tastes so good, we would actually feel like we are in the middle of an ecstatic state that is kinda similar to what drugs give us even though we really are not under the influence of any drugs.

Do I look like I drink water?

Donna Meagle

Never forget to drink eight glasses of water a day except if you are Donna Meagle. But water is still essential. Don’t disregard the importance of good hydration.

This is so awesome. We are like Robin Hood. We steal from the club and give it to ourselves.

Andy Dwyer

All of us have probably heard the story of Robin Hood. Well, Andy’s version does not really resonate with what we have heard, but we get the point. Steal from the rich and then do whatever you want with what you have stolen. But we recommend giving it to the poor.

Jogging is the worst. I know it keeps you healthy, but God, at what cost?

Ann Perkins

Yes, Ann. We also hate jogging. It does keep you healthy as it burns calories while exercising your heart. But there really are hundreds of other alternatives that are not as boring and as static as jogging is.

One time, I waited outside a woman’s house for five days just to show her how serious I was about wanting to drill her. It turns out; it was the wrong house. She loved the story anyway. We got to third base. Over the pants.

Jean Ralphio

Always look at the silver lining in whatever situation you are in. A mistake can actually turn into a good story that becomes as impressive as the original plan you have. Just make the most out of the situation you are in, and you will find yourself in a better situation than what you had in mind originally.

If I had to have anybody tell me that I have cancer, I would want it to be me.

Chris Traeger

Chris hit the spot on this one. In any kind of bad news about a person, always make sure that the one breaking the story to everyone is the person actually involved in the news.

A couple more rules: if you ever watch a sad movie, you have to wear mascara so we can see whether or not you’ve been crying. There’s no noise allowed on Mondays. And no TV after breakfast.

April Ludgate

Words of wisdom from our favorite girl April Ludgate. Try them out yourself, and your life might change drastically, whether you like it or not.

I really am amazing.

Tom Haverford

Give yourself a pat at the back whenever you can, even when it sounds like you are simply giving yourself undeserved praise. We all need self-reassurance every now and then, even if you probably do not deserve it.

So, you’ve gone insane. That’s fun.

April Ludgate

Simple is boring. And that is what makes insanity fun. Well, not exactly, but we do like things to be a bit more insane than they usually are if we want the situation to have some elements of excitement.

I hope you brought a change of clothes because your eyes are about to piss tears.

Jean Ralphio

There is no other way for you to announce a tearjerker better than this one. We rest our case. This is the best way for you to tell people that they are about to cry regardless of the reason why.

I am super chill all the time.

Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope knows what’s up. We all aspire to be as chill as Leslie is. Or is she even chill? Hmmm…

I know what things are.

Andy Dwyer

This might be shocked to hear from Andy Dwyer, who is well-known as the resident idiot of the show. Well, he probably ended up not knowing anything when he said this, but at least he was confident enough to say that he knows what things are. That’s a good start.

Dress code: Black tie optional. Just like life.

Tom Haverford

As dark as it might sound, Tom does have a point here. Life can be just as optional as black ties are. But we all know that a suit is better when you have a black-tie on. In that sense, life ends up getting better if you actually try to live it well.

Strippers do nothing for me…but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace.

Ron Swanson

Words of wisdom from a man of few words. If you had a choice between strippers and a good breakfast buffet, go for the latter. Strippers will only end up taking money away from you without giving back anything. A good breakfast buffet, on the other hand, can give you the kind of satisfaction that strippers can’t.

It’s pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they can go outside and stand in it.

Ron Swanson

This really makes a lot of sense. Why would we want to paint nature scenes when we can just simply go out and enjoy the scenery ourselves? Well, there is a good chance that we won’t be able to enjoy nature in the future as much as we do now. So the best thing you can do is to go out and enjoy the outdoor scenery.

The only things I like are dogs, sleeping late, and weird birthmarks.

April Ludgate

We all like dogs and sleeping late, just like April does. But we might not be as high on weird birthmarks as she is. But hey. To each his own.

I don’t want to be overdramatic, but today felt like a hundred years in hell and the absolute worst day of my life.

Leslie Knope

The worst days in life are exactly like this, even if you do not want to sound overdramatic. And if we did try to sound overdramatic, there must be something a lot worse than a hundred years in hell.

Lucky for me, I’ve processed all my feelings. And I’ve gone through the five stages of grief: denial, anger, internet commenting, cat adoption, African dance, cat returning to the adoption place, watching all the episodes of Murphy Brown, and not giving a flying fart.

Leslie Knope

Just let those feelings out if you are grieving. Do everything you can if you want to move on from a sad day or a sad moment in life. No matter how crazy those things may sound, you are going to move past all of the internet commenting and the weird dancing as long as you let your grief out.

It’s really hard to say congrats without sounding sarcastic.

Ann Perkins

Is it, though? We have said congrats a few hundreds of times in our lives, but we really did not know if we sounded sarcastic or not. Thanks, Ann, for reminding us of how sarcastic we actually were when we congratulated people.

Ugh. I hate talking to people about things.

April Ludgate

This is classic April. And this might also be classic us if we actually hated interacting with other people. A classic introvert, if you will.

The air is so fresh. It’s disgusting.

April Ludgate

Another great quote was coming from the show’s resident pessimistic introvert, April. And that is exactly why we all love her.

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how pissed is he?

Tom Haverford

This is exactly what dark humor is all about. We all know what Chris Brown is capable of when he is pissed. And none of us want to be at that level of pissed.

My anxiety has kept me up for over 50 hours.

Chris Traeger

Anxious thoughts are our biggest enemies. We all know what this feels like. Sleeping tends to be impossible when we are too anxious.

I’m like an elephant, OK? If I walk into a room, it’s like, OK, he’s in there.

Tom Haverford

The elephant in the room is all about noticing something that is awkward. And that is what some of us might feel like the moment we walk into a room. It can be quite awkward if you yourself are already awkward.

Calzones are pointless. They’re just pizza that’s harder to eat. No one likes them.

Leslie Knope

Well, Leslie does have a point here. I mean, why make things difficult? When you can do something the easy way, why not do it. This includes choosing between calzones and pizza. Go for what is easier to eat but still tastes the same.

I guess some people object to the powerful depictions of awesome ladies.

Leslie Knope

The more awesome the lady is, the more likely she is to become intimidating to weak men and women alike. Stay awesome, ladies.

I call noodles: long-ass rice.

Tom Haverford

They taste the same, right? Well, not exactly, but we do get Tom’s point here. And rice is better than noodles. We rest our case.

I would like a glass of red wine, and I’ll take the cheapest one you have because I can’t tell the difference.

Leslie Knope

For people who really are not wine connoisseurs, there is no difference between cheap wine and expensive wine. Better go for the cheaper option instead because there really is no difference between them from your standpoint.

Scientists believe that the first human being who will live 150 years has already been born. I believe I am that human being.

Chris Traeger

Well, if Chris does not annoy anyone with that kind of personality, he might end up living to a century and a half. Let’s just hope nobody kills him while he’s on his way to 150 years old.

Conclusion

From those quotes, it can be quite easy to understand why Parks and Recreation is an all-time great sitcom. It has a lot of amazing moments and funny lines that can surely break out laughter in a silent room. The show is great for those who understand what it means to work in an office setting and is just as entertaining to any other viewer out there. It’s just a shame that the show had to end.

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